He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
