the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
