Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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