I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize