My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
