please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
