positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize