Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I smell like Dick and happiness
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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