Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
