oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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