im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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