I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Im part way to drunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
