Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
