Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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