Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You pole danced in your parka.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
