I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
