My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize