you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Houston, we have a squirter
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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