Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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