who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
