And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
