Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
honey bunches of taint.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
