I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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