I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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