Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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