I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
