When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
