I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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