It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
