if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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