Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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