News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
