She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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