I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
