I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
