I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
