there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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