I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yo dont text me then not text me
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
