My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
