Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
