Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
