Can i not drive my cunt home
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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