Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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