he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
