Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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