I'm so fucking centered right now
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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