So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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