Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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