How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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