Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Barsexuality is the new black.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
