it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
