why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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