My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
