I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize