You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize