Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
