Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
