i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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