1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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