guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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