you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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