It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize