I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
