If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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