my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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