I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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